No more anger. No more sadness. No more pain. Just love.
Time to let go of old habits and old dreams.
It’s time now to embrace the future wholeheartedly.
I know what I have to do. I think I’ve always known, but I finally came to this realization just now.
What I have to do in order for this ache in my heart to go away is stop thinking that he is still someone important in my life. I have to let that go.
But how? I need to start feeling like that right now. I’m sure that the big answer to that is time. To let time run its course and that time heals all things. But I can honestly say that right now I can’t wait. What do I have to do or feel or believe in so that I know he’s no longer important to me? I need to know.
Emotions are meaningless. Because emotions are so fleeting. One minute you feel ecstatic; an hour later you’re left feeling disappointed. Emotions change so rapidly.
So, what’s the point in acting on these emotions that change so fast? What’s the point in telling you I miss you when nothing can be done about it? What’s the point in being angry with you when I know that I can forgive you? What’s the point in telling you I love you when you don’t feel the same as I do? Nothing can be done about the way I feel.
Emotions are meaningless.
My emotions have been a roller-coaster ride lately. All because of him. Derek. The now so-called ex.
To get a better idea of what I’m talking about, here’s a few things I’ve felt and written over the past week:
Monday, February 13, 2012:
Life sure has its ups and downs. One minute, life is good. You couldn’t be any happier. Next thing you know, life kicks you to the ground and beats you endlessly until you’re all bloody and broken.
That’s how I feel right at this moment. Because I’m forced to lose a great friend. Someone who I’ve shared the most memorable 3 years of my life with.
I feel so alone. Because I am alone.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012:
You get no sympathy from me. NONE. You can’t whine about being lonely moving into your new big house. YOU chose this future. This is all YOUR doing. I didn’t even get to have a say of what I wanted. But I guess I’m not surprised. Because you always had to have it your way. It’s always all about you. Stubborn as always. But that’s okay. Having all this anger towards you makes things so much easier for me. This all helps to get over you faster. So bring on the pain.
Thursday, February 16, 2012:
I came across this quote today which gave me some insight and strength:
"Let go when you’re hurting too much. Give up when love isn’t enough. And move on when things aren’t like before. Because it is certain there’s someone out there who will love you even more."
I guess that’s just it. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. And that’s all there is to it.
Sunday, February 19, 2012:
I HATE YOU.
I hate you for making me hurt like this.
I hate you for deciding this fate for us.
I hate you for not giving us a chance.
I hate you for not believing in me.
I hate it when I see other happy couples together.
I hate it that I can’t talk to you anymore.
I hate it that I can’t see you anymore.
I hate the fact that I lost my best friend.
I hate you because this is all your fault.
I hate that I feel like this.
I hate you for making me hate you.
I HATE YOU.
Monday, February 20, 2012:
I desperately want you in my life. You were my best friend for so long. How can we be any less than that?
Maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to let all this pain go. So I can move on. If only I can understand. Understand why and how you made this decision. But I CAN’T understand. And you won’t even help me.
I can’t wait for Sunday Recess to start! It’s a “co-ed multi-sport adult recreational league based in San Francisco, CA. Each week, teams gather on the field to face off in no-holds-barred events such as kickball, dodgeball, flag football, ultimate frisbee, & soccer. But the games don’t stop when the last whistle blows! After dueling it out on the field, the league heads down to our sponsored bar for cheap pitchers and intense flip cup action.”
I’ve been looking for something to fill up my free time and meet new people, too <3
Forget about him. Forget about love. I don’t need any of it.
All I need is my true friends, family and God.
I am going to be just fine.
This would make things sooooo much easier AND harder at the same time lol. But I know this would make me feel a lot better right now.